31st August 2009

A Chaplain’s Diary

End August

 

A crinkle not a tinkle

 

It’s not often that a mobile phone goes off during our Sunday Morning Service.  We have started including a reminder in our service sheet just in case.  It does occasionally happen during weddings, but I’ve got into the routine of, just before the ceremony starts, asking the ushers to go round and remind everyone to switch off their mobiles.  The nightmare scenario is when a mobile phone goes off during a funeral service. Somehow the crashing of gears is more disruptive in that sort of setting.

 

 I notice that the Jewish Chronicle is reporting that in London synagogues leaders are clamping down on the use of electronic devices during services “to bring some respect back”.  Worshippers have been using mobile phones, blackberry devices and even laptops in synagogue.  At a recent morning service the final straw came when one member was seen trying to order a take away. 

 

For my part I would be more than happy for people to use their mobiles to authorise all bank card and visa payments just before we took the weekly collection.  I’m often tempted to announce that “today we shall have a silent collection”, in the hope that all we could hear would be a crinkle rather than a tinkle.

 

Clowning around

 

I think there must be a bit of both “performer” and “clown” in most clergy.  The Brighton Argus newspaper reports that a local priest has just done a stunt walk, without a safety net, across a high wire 80 foot up.  Originally Father Jerome Lloyd was meant to be carried on the back of a circus performer, to re-enact a stunt by the famous Charles Blondin, who walked along a tightrope across Niagara Falls with his manager on his back.  The trick had to be adapted after the tightrope walker Chico Marinhos, was unable to lift Father Lloyd onto his shoulders.  The event was done for charity to raise money for a HIV clinic. “Performer” or “clown”?...you decide.

 

However for this week’s trick here at the Anglican Church in Palma I shall be sitting comatose in an easy chair, for hours on end, slowly putting on weight through lack of exercise. The problem in reality, is that I obviously don’t need to sit still to put on weight. I am now in my ninth year in post, and despite chasing around most of the time like a scalded cat, the scales have slowly edged up to the extent that I am now a stone and a half heavier than the fly weight which arrived in 2001. Does the problem lie in the air or the glass?

 

Amusing Grace

 

I’m reading the latest diaries of my political hero, Tony Benn.  Part of his book covers the years since he retired as an MP and records his work and ideas during the years 2001 to 2007.  He’s called it “More time for Politics”.  His entry for Tuesday 14^th December 2004 amused me and reads: “Robert Wright, the Speaker’s Chaplain, told a lovely story tonight at dinner in the Speaker’s House for the outgoing Serjeant at Arms.  A guy in Canada was attacked by a bear.  He was a devout Christian, and just as he realised he had no hope, he said, ‘Oh Lord, will you please make the bear a Christian?’  So the bear approached him, and just as it was about to eat him, he said, ‘Oh Lord, for what we are about to receive …’, which I thought was quite an amusing grace.”

 

No doubt I shall be sued for copyright for reproducing that entry without permission, but no doubt the Speaker’s Chaplain hasn’t sued Tony Benn yet for repeating in print one of his stories.

 

Turn it off

 

Saturday nights on ITV from now until eternity will feature The X Factor. You can tell how popular it is by the rush to advertise during the commercial breaks. That is always the acid test. And it will almost certainly top the television ratings during the coming weeks. We shall be subjected to a succession of hopefuls who fondly imagine that they have the “X factor” performing before the panel of judges and a huge audience. The first programme last Saturday exhibited the most gruesome features of this series in what can only be described as media cruelty. From the vast crowd of would be stars, almost all of them displayed a painful lack of talent…to the extent that I almost wanted to crawl off the sofa and sit cringing behind it. Two young women managed to sing flat for several excruciating minutes. Various other incompetent and disappointed people were paraded and ridiculed by the judges and audience, their presence providing nothing more than a freak show for our amusement. Of course there were also one or two clearly talented participants, but I suspect the millions who watch these early stages of the X Factor do so not to just spot the talent but to watch the humiliation. I know…I do…..and I hate myself for it.

 

It’s the twenty first century equivalent of the Victorians paying to see the Bearded Lady or the Elephant Man. Or the vast crowds , who on a Sunday afternoon went to laugh at the antics of the patients in The Bethlehem Hospital in London or Bedlam as it was known. Surely if their mothers couldn’t tell them then the producers ought to. But of course I rather fear that won’t happen because it will eat away at the viewing figures. And what do viewing figures mean?  They mean advertising revenue! Yet Saturday by Saturday millions of us will find similar entertainment in the delusions and stupidities of others. If I had the strength I would turn it all off until the real talent show starts but I rather fear I won’t and that upsets me more than anything.

 

Cramped conditions for God

 

The two villages of Fornalutx and Biniaraix are some of the loveliest on the island with the encircling Tramuntana mountains peering down upon them.  Parking in both locations is an absolute nightmare but fortunately I managed to park in the car park for the wedding which I did recently in Fornalutx.  The village church is an absolute gem, and at some stage in its history it has imported a huge altar piece which covers the whole of the back wall in front of the Sanctuary.  It’s all gold leaf and statues and it was obviously created for a much larger church.  It starts with a large broad base and the piece tapers to a point at roof height.  At the lower levels are statues of the saints, the next layer up are some of the disciples and Our Lady, with God perched at the pinnacle.  The problem is that to make it fit they have had to lose some height.  Chopping a bit off the broad base would not have been easy, so instead they have lopped a bit off the top.  This means that God is living in somewhat cramped conditions with his head squashed against the ceiling and looking very uncomfortable indeed.  He looks as if he is crouched down trying to get in on the scene.  There’s a sermon there somewhere, but I would love to know the history of this incredible altar piece.

 

Expensive sunbathing

 

I don’t know how holiday makers are coping with the huge increase in prices on Majorca.  We had an afternoon on the beach at Palma Nova last week and the costs were horrendous.  Two sun beds and a shade cost €10.50, two sandwiches and two drinks €11 and the parking fine was €40.  That added up to over €60 to lie on the beach for three hours.  Imagine having to pay that amount every day for a seven day holiday.  I suppose the parking fine was optional!  Say no more!

 

 

Fr Robert Ellis is the Anglican Chaplain of Majorca

St Philip and St James Church

Nunez de Balboa 6,

Son Armadans, Palma 07014

Tel: 971 737279

E mail: anglicanpalma@gmail.com

www.anglican-mallorca.org