End September 2009

A Chaplain’s Diary

When the excitement and expectancy is dashed

 

A lack of understanding

 

I still go hot and cold when I think about it.  It has to be one of the most crass things I’ve ever said and I’ve said quite a few in my time.  We were all standing in the cemetery on the North Circular in London.  At the time I was vicar of a parish in Highgate and I’d been asked to officiate at the funeral of a premature baby.  In my immaturity and embarrassed gaucheness I said to the parents, “Well you’ll have to try for another one, at least you’ve got age on your side”.

 

They were words that could only come from a newly married man with no children but I suspect they would have struck home in the most appalling manner, showing an insensitivity and lack of understanding that beggars belief.  The couple were either too kind or too traumatised by their loss to say anything.  Politeness obviously prevented the tirade, which would have been more than justified.  What did I know?  I’d not even tried to have children at that stage. 

 

No respecter of persons

 

The sad news that one of our Nigerian church member’s sister has lost a baby this week brings it all back. In fact many families can tell of the premature death of a baby at some time or other. When, a few years ago, the then Prime Minister, Tony Blair and his wife Cherie lost a baby, it brought back memories for many families of similar losses.  It was a timely reminder that miscarriage is not a respecter of persons and there would have been the same tears and grief in Downing Street then, as in any home anywhere in the world. 

 

A living hell

 

Last year I received a phone call from one of the holiday reps on the island to say that one of their clients had given birth very prematurely whilst on holiday in Cala Rajada.  The couple already had a little boy and the family was moved into Palma to be near the Son Dureta Hospital where the baby was in the wonderful premature baby unit they have there.  It was a living hell for them.  Here they were on holiday with all the excitement of being abroad and the expectancy of a new baby later that year.  Within 24 hours all that hope, expectation and excitement was dashed and they finished up sitting in a lonely self-catering apartment praying and hoping for the best.  Sadly the baby died. 

 

I sat and sobbed

 

To be truly professional means that you try never to lose it.  On this occasion as the young couple and myself sat together for the short ceremony in the crematorium I sat and sobbed along with them.  It was all highly unprofessional but I couldn’t have cared less and I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded.  We sat and simply blubbed together, it was a long way from the young man who tried to tell a similar couple to simply try for another one.

Why?  Because I now had children of my own and I almost knew what it felt like even though we’ve never lost a baby. 

 

A small insight

 

We weren’t quite sure whether we really wanted three children.  So we simply decided that whatever happened would decide it for us.  In the event my wife got pregnant.  But at five months it looked as though a too early arrival was on the cards. I for one was frantic because I’d already got really excited about the idea of a new baby.  Thanks to the ministrations of a good GP the situation was saved but at that moment we had some small insight into how many thousands of couples must feel.  In fact as the television news repeatedly informed us the other evening one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage.

 

Brown cardboard boxes piled up

 

Gone are the days of my experience as a young priest in Liverpool.  We had a church cemetery out at Walton under the shadow of the infamous Walton Prison.  I can still see the pile of small brown cardboard boxes piled up at the Superintendent’s front door which had been sent down by the local hospital for burial.  It was all so impersonal, as though the baby had never existed.

 

Things are so different now.  Only this morning I have been asked to perform the funeral of a premature baby.  Normally children bury their parents.  After a miscarriage parents bury their children and therein lies the poignancy.  All the excitement, expectancy and anticipation are suddenly dashed.  The cot and the pram lie empty. The disposable nappies stay on the shelf unopened.  Families and friends are sympathetic but can’t share the grief because the baby was to them a rumour, not a baby that was felt or known.  Yet to the couple it was their new son or daughter and the grief was theirs and theirs alone.

 

The child has existed

 

Hospitals and midwives now encourage families to hold and cuddle their stillborn babies, photographs are encouraged and none of this is morbid in any way.  The child has existed and the family need to know that fact.  The baby needs a name because it has been part of the family and will never be forgotten.

At long last the church has recognised this and now provides a special service for the death of a premature or stillborn baby.  Its been needed for a long time and I know that many have found it very helpful.  Two of the prayers I like best are,

 

God our creator,

from whom all life comes,

comfort this family,

grieving for the loss of their hoped-for child.

Help them to find assurance

that with you nothing is wasted or incomplete,

and uphold them with your love,

through Jesus Christ our Saviour.

Amen.

 

 

When we are weary and in need of strength,

when we are lost and sick at heart,

we remember them.

 

When we have a joy we long to share,

when we have decisions that are hard to make,

we remember them.

 

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,

at the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring,

we remember them.

 

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer,

at the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn,

we remember them.

At the rising of the sun and at its setting,

We remember them.

 

Fr Robert Ellis is the Anglican Chaplain of Mallorca.

St Philip and St James Church,

Calle Nunez de Balboa 6,

Son Armadans,

Palma 07014

Tel: 971 737279 e mail: anglicanpalma@gmail.com

www.anglican-mallorca.org