20th November 2009

A Chaplain’s Diary

 

A Quiet Weekend

 

Sometimes you just need to get away. When I am in that mood I always have a look on the internet to see if Thomson’s are doing any cheap hotel deals anywhere on the island. On a number of occasions we have been able to pick up a really cheap bargain in Cala Millor for a couple of nights….and when I say cheap I mean cheap ….22 euros per person for dinner, bed and breakfast. This time I was even luckier; the evening of October 11^th and it was just fifteen euros a night for the two of us for a studio apartment with dinner, bed and breakfast. Honest! I could hardly believe it myself. It was cheaper than a menu at lunchtime. The Puerto Azul Aparthotel in Puerto Pollensa is 4 stars and the buffet dinner was absolutely fine. And as for the full English breakfast ….well that is exactly what it was and you can hardly go wrong with that.  We were obviously not the only bargain hunters that weekend because just a few tables away we spotted the deputy head teacher of one of the International Schools on the island with his family so we were soon comparing financial notes and we agreed that we just could not understand why more people did not take advantage of some of the superb deals on offer.

 

That evening we strolled along the Pine walk, we sat and had a beer with some friends we bumped into and just lazed the evening away. It was lovely and being a real bargain break we enjoyed it even more than ever.

 

 

Another world

 

“It’s just like the Derbyshire Peak District,” exclaimed my wife as we started up the Boquer Valley the following afternoon.  If you’ve never been you must try it.  It starts on the outskirts of Puerto Pollensa just by the roundabout on the new dual carriageway.  The path cuts through the grounds of a large old Majorcan farmhouse and it’s not long before you’re climbing upwards with the Pollensa Bay spread behind you. Once it’s lost to view you are in another world.  Huge cliffs tower on either side and as we didn’t have a map with us I had no idea where it led. I hoped that we could somehow skirt round the coast and walk back by the sea.  As it happens I was hopelessly mistaken but I can thoroughly recommend the walk.  We didn’t pass another soul and the only voice we heard in the silence of the hills was from across the valley.  We stood for ages trying to locate it and then suddenly spotted two tiny figures on the other side of the expanse and it was their voices which were being relayed across the silence.  There was no litter and we had the late afternoon sun on our backs going and in our faces on the way back.

 

A useless activity

 

At the head of the Boquer Valley the circular route I’d hoped for was obviously not possible but there beneath us was the sea.  We dropped down into the cove with the towering cliffs as the backdrop and collapsed on a rock to recover.  We sat and threw stones into the sea like, I suspect, thousands before us.  What is it that makes everyone do this?  It’s such a useless activity but everyone does it.  You usually start by trying to skim them, progress to trying to move the whole beach, pebble by pebble, into the sea. And then this usually develops into lobbing huge stones in an attempt to splash ones companions.  Am I right that this is the normal progression or is it just that I belong to a dysfunctional family?  Then we had a competition to see who could hit a plank of wood, which had been washed up on the beach.  As always this developed into an argument about whose particular stone it had been as we heard the sound of stone hitting wood.  I was dreading the trudge back up the hill but goaded on by my wife we soon felt the warmth of the sun on our faces and the thought of a hot shower and a drink kept us going.

 

 

Get a Dog Collar

 

A small travelling tip.  If you want to guarantee a seat to yourself then I strongly suggest purchasing a clerical dog collar.  These are quite reasonably priced and are sold in the church suppliers shop along Calle St Miquel in Palma.  Most people will then avoid you like the plague on buses and trains, fearful that you will start trying to talk to them and asking awkward questions such as, “When did you last go to church?” or “Have you said you prayers recently?” The down side is that the dog collar will attract the occasional religious fanatic who will want to engage you in religious chatter and bombard you with biblical quotations.  Natural courtesy forbids saying, “Please go away and leave me in peace, can’t you see that I’m trying to read, study form, have a quick snooze, look at the scenery or even keep myself to myself.”  A visible dog collar will attract the religious fanatic in the same way that honey attracts bees.

 

It’s the same if you’re a doctor or undertaker.  People tell you all their ailments and expect instant diagnoses or demand insider information about what really happens at the crematorium. Presumably doctors and undertakers have their own ways of shutting people up so they don’t have to talk shop all the time.   When I was younger and on holiday when people asked me what I did for a job I always used to tell them with a huge smile on my face that I was a ‘venereologist’.  That usually shut them up because they wouldn’t want to give any indication that they knew anything about the subject nor would they want to be seen asking questions as though they were personally in need of medical information on the subject.  It used to work a treat as long as one smirked broadly enough thus conveying the idea that it wasn’t one hundred per cent true.  It did at least shut people up.  Even a vicar’s allowed a holiday!

 

Christmas Fair

 

I type this weekly column of nonsense surrounded by bottles of wine, clean second hand books (as opposed to dirty second hand books!) endless raffle prizes, bric a brac and toys. “Please God let Saturday come and go! You know it is the Anglican Church Christmas Fair tomorrow. You know we have worked away for weeks at it but now we just want it to be here so we can sell all our hotdogs, have a good time and make lots of money. Lynne, the organiser, is getting all excited, the patio and the hall have been cleaned and the tables are up so give us some good weather otherwise we are in trouble.”

 

A member of our church phoned me on Tuesday in a panic. “The Swedish Church on Terreno are having their Christmas Fair the same day as us.” “Don’t worry,” I said, “that’s good it just means everyone will be thinking about Christmas, we always clash anyway and it never seems to affect the takings. Some people even go on from one to the other.”

 

Fr Robert Ellis is the Anglican Chaplain of Majorca.

St Philip and St James Church

Calle Nunez de Balboa 6,

Son Armadans,

Palma 07014

Tel: 971 737279

e-mail: anglicanpalma@gmail.com

www.anglican-mallorca.org