11th December 2009

A Chaplain’s Diary

 

Saturday 5^th December

 

Buying a halal turkey is not easy.  In some ways it is a contradiction in terms.  Turkeys are for Christmas, Christmas is for Christians and Muslims don’t get quite as excited about it all as we do.  For them Eid is the big festival and then its lamb rather than turkey with bread sauce, chipolatas and all the trimmings.  Yet I have still got to find one to put in the oven on 27^th December.  Don’t bother writing to tell me that is not Christmas Day, I know – I work in the trade remember, but having our Christmas dinner on 27^th avoids all the family rows and aggro.  Christmas Day is a work day for me so we gave up years ago trying to have a relaxing day opening the presents, pushing the turkey in the oven and pulling a cork or two.  Add to that the fact that two of our children are working on Christmas Eve and flights from the U.K. to Palma are limited unless you are prepared to fly via Dubai and Ascension Island – so for the last few years we have called it off for the 25^th.  Instead wife and children will stay quietly in England playing Scrabble and having the odd cup of tea whilst I slave feverishly over a hot altar officiating at Christmas Services on the hour every hour.  Yet come Boxing Day you will not see me for dust as, courtesy of Easyjet, I shall be heading for John Lennon Airport Liverpool and my Christmas lunch on the 27^th. 

 

Now that is where we came in!  As I was saying, I need to be able to guarantee buying a halal turkey if we are to sit around as one family like those romantic scenes on the Christmas cards, pulling crackers, laughing heartily and toasting each other in mulled wine whilst throwing roasted chestnuts down our throats.  And the reason – part of our family is Muslim and therefore we need a halal turkey. Got it? Pay attention there at the back!

 

That is why today I phoned Tesco’s head office to see which of their branches had a halal meat counter.  We did not get off to a good start – “how are you spelling ‘halal’?” asked the junior in Customer Services and from that point everything went downhill.  Despite telling her I was phoning from Spain and therefore time was of the essence if I was not to be financially bankrupted, she was one of natures’ go slow naturals.  Whether she had gone out to the nearest turkey breeding shed to ask for a volunteer as a halal killed turkey I don’t know or whether she had gone to look for a dictionary to check my spelling of halal I shall never know – we were cut off.  I gave up and tried Superstore Asda HQ instead.  They were slightly more helpful – they obviously could spell halal but were geographically challenged as to where exactly Burton on Trent, Uttoxeter and Lichfield were. Was it in the north?  Eventually they were able to assure me that their branch in a strange place called Sinfin in Derby had a halal meat counter and would I like the store telephone number.  You bet!  I was on the trail of the elusive halal turkey.  I phoned.  Yes they did have a halal meat counter but sorry they only did lamb and chicken. Foiled again! So the question now is “do you  think anyone would notice the difference if I bought the largest chicken possible and described it as a ‘small halal turkey’ - but it was all I could get!” Any more vegetarian sausages anyone?

 

Monday 7^th December

 

There is a certain addiction about being in a choir.  It’s not one I suffer from myself, but it’s as much a drug as tobacco or alcohol – though given the Georgie Insull Singers there certainly seems to be a mixture of all three.  As a choir it has an interesting history – as indeed some of its members do!  They started out as the Conway Jones Ladies Choir over ten years ago, and as Conway’s work load increased and his amateur dramatic groups of all ages - Centre Stage grew, it was time to hand over the reins.  Overnight they became the Georgie Insull Singers and Conway their accompanist.  I’m no musician but even to my tone-deaf ears they have gone from strength to strength in their musical ability and repertoire.  Every year there’s a Summer Concert and an annual performance of sacred music on Good Friday.  Add to that a busy schedule of singing at weddings all over the island, providing music for social gatherings and local charities and they have a busy annual programme.  Sometimes they rehearse so hard that they have to retire immediately to a local hostelry to lubricate their vocal chords.  Sometimes I think it’s a case of social drinking with a bit of singing thrown in, though Georgie Insull herself stresses that it’s the other way round with lots of hard rehearsing followed by a little light social imbibing.  Businessmen having a refreshing coca cola or a late evening meal in the Hotel Isla Mallorca dread their arrival on a Monday and Wednesday evening as the noise level rises as the choir takes over the bar. 

For my part, I am convinced that they are the local coven.  The amount of gossiping, scandal mongering and plain misinformation imparted on such social gatherings beggars belief.  I find it impossible to believe that my nearest and dearest would rather spend two evenings a week in their company rather than sit quietly by the fireside enjoying a night at home. 

So yet again this coming Friday, I shall be dragged off to their annual Christmas Concert at the Anglican Church in Palma.  I know most of the music off by heart because of the paper thin wall which divides the chaplaincy house from the church which is where they rehearse.  Yet joking aside I know it will be an excellent musical evening followed by mince pies, a glass or two of wine and no doubt much hilarity.  If anyone would like to buy my ticket off me, as they are in short supply, please phone 971 737279 or 639 750 240 and I shall be eternally grateful to you.

 

 

Wednesday 9^th December

 

I know its Wednesday but I cannot get my bearings because of the fiestas. I keep thinking its Monday.  It’s all down to having Monday and Tuesday off – it completely throws me.  Add to that the fact there is no Coronation Street tonight because of the football and I might as well go back to bed and pull the covers over my head until I can surface again on the right day.

 

Thursday 10^th December

 

I am sitting at my kitchen table writing this. In front of me is a half finished cup of coffee and a slice of cold toast.  I have just heard of yet more people who are heading back to the U.K. for Christmas.  The island will be desolate.  To walk through Magaluf is to walk through a ghost town with no one around at all.  Everywhere is either shut up or boarded up.  In the past coach loads of “young at heart” holiday makers came in their droves to the International Carol Service in the Cathedral.  It is this coming Sunday evening and we shall miss them.  They always arrived early to get the best seats at the front and then at the end there was always a mad dash to the coaches so that they did not miss their hotel suppers.  Yet I know there will still be about a thousand people there and the event will be as wonderful as ever, with the children singing their hearts out and the musicians giving of their best.

 

 

 

Fr Robert Ellis is the Anglican Chaplain of Mallorca

Nunez de Balboa 6,

Son Armadans,

Palma 07014

Tel: 971 737279

e mail: anglicanpalma@gmail.com

www.anglican-mallorca.org