22nd January 2010

A Chaplain’s Christmas Diary

  

Not very religious

 

I sit there, with bated breath waiting for the comment to come….and it usually does. I normally meet up with a funeral family at least once so that we can plan the service and I can find out what they would like to do in the ceremony. It is important that the occasion reflects the requests of both the deceased and the close family concerned. It’s usually about half way into the conversation that the plea comes in. It’s normally in one of two forms…”he wasn’t very religious” or “we don’t want anything very religious”. The Lord alone knows what people think we clergy would do at a funeral if we were not forewarned against being “very religious”. Perhaps they think we would dance around naked in the church with a hymn book covering our nether regions. Or insist on reading the whole Bible to them, cover to cover, whilst we made them sit in absolute silence, before drenching them all in holy water and choking them with clouds of incense. Perhaps they even think we would consign them all to hell – in the company of the deceased. OK – in all honesty there have been occasions when I have been very tempted but the truth is that the quiet, dignified, familiarity of the Anglican Funeral Service is much more appropriate and serves the occasion well. The dancing around naked is probably best saved for the Harvest Supper.

 

The answer is a lemon

 

It’s not much but it means a lot to me – we’ve grown a lemon. Just the one you understand not a whole bevy of them. This is one special lemon – he’s our only one.  Now for those of you who’ve got orchards of lemon trees it won’t mean much but to us it’s second only to childbirth! Our lemon tree which we bought four years ago has flowered, budded and the fruit has set but then invariably dropped off as the season progressed. This year it seems to have happened all at once, I just happened to be outside the other day and lo and behold there is one huge lemon. I did wonder at the time whether my wife had fastened a bought lemon on as a bit of a joke but no, on inspection it’s the real thing. So in a few weeks time we shall have that well known solemn ceremony of “the pouring of the gin, the opening of the tonic and a slice and ice” using our very own home-grown lemon. We might even take a photograph. Words like “small” and “things” come to mind! Cheers! Your health!

 

A boring convert

 

Skype is magic. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then all you need is a computer, broadband, a web cam, speakers and a microphone. In fact if you’ve got a laptop you’ve probably got them all already.  My brother first tried to get me to use Skype over a year ago but when a friend gave us a web cam we were soon up and running. It’s a totally different experience to a telephone call and more importantly – it’s free.  At the moment my daughter and her family are living in our house back in the UK and it’s just like being with them once we’re linked up. We sit and wave at my grandson, moan at my daughter because she’s still in her pyjamas in the middle of the afternoon, ask why my son’s duvet is on the sofa and tease her as to why the Christmas tree has not been taken down yet. My grandson will be one-year old this coming week-end and we’ve already arranged to link up to watch him open his presents and see his birthday cake. Of course from my daughter’s point of view Skype is anything but welcome and she has to place the computer very carefully so that we can’t see whether the house is untidy or not. I’m a total convert and I’m now going round telling everybody that they’ve got to get on to Skype.  There’s no one more boring than a convert.

 

Our assistant chaplain, The Revd. Michael Redfern, leaves at the end of the month and we’re in the process of trying to find a replacement. It is a lovely job for the right person and I just hope that we have not over-egged the pudding in the advertisements. When I read the job description I’m almost tempted to apply myself. It just sounds so good when I reread it: “The island of Majorca is one of the most beautiful in the Mediterranean and as a result attracts millions of holiday-makers each year from Northern Europe. The British Consulate estimates that there are approximately 30,000 British residents on Majorca for the whole or part of the year alongside over a million tourists each year. Most people’s impression of Majorca is from the brochure photographs of the holiday hotspots such as Magaluf and Arenal in the south but they are a far cry from the 99 per cent of the rest of the island. Majorca has mountains higher than any in Great Britain and miles upon miles of beautiful rolling countryside with quiet tranquil calas and Majorcan villages nestling in the hot summer sun or the temperate winter sunshine. It is not surprising that so many come to live or retire here. As the holidaymakers are relaxing in the sun imagine how many people are working hard, giving birth, dealing with dramas, bringing up children and getting married. The Anglican Church on Majorca never has a dull moment.”

 

It certainly sounds like the Majorca I know but I just hope that no one tells any perspective applicants about the freezing temperatures over the last few weeks. Before I came to live here I never for one moment thought I would need an electric blanket, thick anorak, scarf and gloves. There have been some days when my feet felt like blocks of ice and I have yet to steel myself to go and see how much central heating oil we have used since Christmas.

 

From mid-February we shall be relying on local retired priests or locum clergy coming over from the UK to fill in and help out. Fortunately the two men we have got lined up have both acted as locums in the chaplaincy before and one of them, the Revd. Paul Southern, will have just completed a month filling in on Ibiza before coming out to us. The other, Canon Melvyn  Smith, comes to us from the Black Country and he is an old friend of the chaplaincy who knows his way around well. Hopefully by the time they arrive the almond blossom will be out and the sand will be off the road and back on the beach where it belongs.

 

Fr Robert Ellis is the Anglican Chaplain of Majorca

St Philip and St James Church

Nunez de Balboa 6,

Son Armadans, Palma 07014

Tel: 971 737279

E mail: anglicanpalma@gmail.com

www.anglican-mallorca.org