19th March 2010

A Chaplain’s Diary

 

 

Spanish Question Time

 

I don’t believe it!

This year I shall be starting my tenth year on Majorca.  It is exactly nine years ago this week that I signed my contract to come and work here. I just can’t believe it.  Where did all that time go?  It doesn’t seem two minutes since my leaving ‘do’ at work.  There were so many people there that I came to the conclusion they were only too glad to see the back of me and just wanted to make sure I really was going. Twenty years in one job is a long time these days and I’d seen people come and go as though they were on a conveyor belt.  I was just hoping that the bishop wouldn’t let me down in his farewell address.  Usually I could have sat down and recited it with him.  Whatever the occasion, having made a speech extolling the virtues of the person who was coming/going/leaving/being promoted, he would finish by saying ”So let’s give him/her the clap which he/she so richly deserves” and everyone on cue would put their hands together and make the necessary appropriate noise.  To this day I don’t know if the ambiguity of the phrase was intentional or not.  Those with a sense of humour would smile quietly to themselves.  But as I was demob happy, I’d got what I thought was a suitably amusing riposte as my final shot.  But he didn’t say it and so he’ll never know the hopefully amusing witticisms I had so carefully worked out.

 

The odd thing is that after all this time I’m still being asked the same old questions.  While I do my best to reply to all such enquiries in a civil manner, there are a number of issues that recur so often that it makes sense to attempt to answer them here.

 

Isn’t Majorca all lager louts and wet T-shirts?

Yup! but only if you’re in Magaluf or Arenal between midnight and 4.00 am during July and August.  Outside those hours both places have got a lovely, long sandy beach with excellent swimming.  In fact they’re just a tiny part of a very beautiful island with quiet calas, beautiful hinterland, acres of vines and almond trees with towering majestic mountains higher than any in the UK that simply drop into the sea. The place is littered with picturesque villages and ancient towns where time seems to stand still.  There are atmospheric restaurants and bars where it will need a lot of canas to turn you into a lager lout and the only wet T shirts are the ones hanging on the washing line after a lively fiesta or a lazy day on the beach.

 

Why did you move here?

I’m darned if I can remember accurately.  I had been coming here for 12 years to do locum duty for my predecessor and 20 years of my being stuck in the same job seemed a long time.  I felt like I was chalking up second-hand experiences and the years were starting to tick by.  I knew I had got into a rut and life had become uncomfortably comfortable. And when you’re spending hours on the Internet to look for cheap fights to Majorca there is obviously an issue, which has to be addressed. We had always promised ourselves we would go abroad when I retired but we suddenly realized that we might not be up to it then.  There might be grandchildren, a shortage of cash and a few aching arthritic limbs to bear in mind.  So as we don’t pass this way twice and life is not a rehearsal, we said “yes” when the job of Chaplain was offered to me though it did take about two months to make our mind up…it wasn’t an easy decision with three teenage children.

 

 

Have you settled?

Come on its nine years now! I wish I had 10 euros for every time I have been asked this one; I would be a very rich man indeed.  Look here!  I’m not that unemployable that I wouldn’t be able to get another job if I hadn’t settled.  Honest!  I’d be off like a shot if we weren’t happy – life’s too short for that malarkey.  Long faces and whingeing don’t exactly turn people on and they’re certainly not a guaranteed passport into island life.  In fact sometimes life here is so hectic socially, that the thought of beans on toast on your knees in front of the telly can sound like heaven – but we’re dead a long time so let’s grab life with both hands and go for it!  Life on the island can be very sociable, as people who live here know. We try and offer hospitality when we can and invite people to try our cooking and they invariably invite us back as soon as they are feeling better.

 

What do you miss?

I certainly don’t miss the weather but I do yearn for stilton cheese and carpets on the floor. Once, when I said that in a television interview, I had a very indignant telephone call from my brother asking rather sarcastically if I didn’t miss my family? Though to be serious, my wife does miss the children now that they have moved back to the UK and the arrival of a grandchild has certainly unsettled her. Thank goodness for cheap flights and Skype.

 

Do you have a siesta?

You bet!  And I’m just about getting used to lunch at 2.00 pm and my evening meal at some moveable point between 8.00 pm and midnight.  My old Mum just wouldn’t understand it.  In Yorkshire lunch was at 11.30 am and tea at 5.00 pm with a cup of tea and a piece of cake just before bed.  Ah well that’s the EEC for you!

 

Can you speak Spanish?

Yup! “vino blanco”, “vino tinto” and “mas por favor”.  I get a bit lost after that but I do know a man who can.  Anyway, everyone can speak English and if you cannot make yourself understood it’s just a case of saying it again but a bit slower and louder isn’t it?

 

Do you take paying guests?

No, just non-paying ones but we are very mindful of the ancient Chinese proverb “guests are like fish, they begin to stink on the third day”.  Just don’t invite people unless you really mean it because as surely as night follows day they will show up.  They will bound out of “airport arrivals” with bucket and spade in hand, accompanied by the ’in-laws’ and ‘Fred’.  “You remember Fred don’t you?”  Nope – never seen him in my life before!  So be warned. Remember visitors are like ants.  They come in endless streams, eat your food and then disappear.

 

Would you recommend Majorca as a place to live?

Yes, absolutely if you are prepared to go with the flow and understand that the “manana” attitude contributes to low stress levels and a healthy blood pressure.   But think about it carefully and don’t burn your boats behind you if you do decide to move.  The return rate of people going home to the UK because they cannot make it here is frighteningly high. And that’s not even mentioning homesickness, money difficulties, not being able to get a job or problems with booze.

 But “No”, absolutely not, if bureaucracy gets you down, and dog fouled pavements are not to your taste and you’re tempted to thump the nose of the driver of the car behind you for tailgating.  Similarly if you are planning to come and shout in the supermarket about how everything is written in bleedin’ Spanish, and why doesn’t anyone around here speak proper English?  For you, I would recommend staying north of the English Channel.

 

Is there an Anglican Church?

There certainly is.  It’s in Palma but there are also two other congregations at Puerto Pollensa and Cala d’Or where they use the local Roman Catholic churches. They are English speaking and try to welcome everyone for worship, weddings, funerals and baptisms.  We’re a strange bunch but we do our best.  In fact if we were perfect you probably wouldn’t feel at home. Why not check out the website at www.anglican-mallorca.org for times of the upcoming Easter services?

 

Looking at your photograph, why do you bleach your hair and grin so inanely?  It’s quite obvious that you are nearer 65 than 25.

I don’t bleach my hair; it’s just that I’m going grey.  I’m grinning because I live in Majorca and it’s raining today in the UK!

 

Fr Robert Ellis is the Anglican Chaplain of Majorca.

St Philip and St James Church,

Nunez de Balboa 6,

Son Armadans,

Palma.

Tel: 971 737279     www.anglican-mallorca.org