9th April 2010

A Chaplain’s Diary

 

Easter Flights of Fantasy

 

 

What we want

I cannot believe the dexterity with which I jump on planes these days. Gone are the days when I wouldn’t sleep the night before we went on holiday through sheer excitement. Nor will I forget trying to grab the window seats so that we could watch the ground fly past as we took off or marvel at the white-capped mountains of the Pyrenees or Alps as we flew overhead to our sunshine holidays. Now I’m happy just to grab an aisle seat so that I’m not quite so hemmed in with my long legs. As for the safety demonstration, well I could almost sit back and recite it with them, though whether I could actually find the life vest, should an accident happen, still needs to be tested.  We jump on planes these days in the way that we used to jump on buses to go to school or work. But what is it we most want from an airline? Extra legroom, a massage, free coffee, sexy stewardesses or a pair of free headphones? Actually it’s none of those things, if the results of a survey on in-flight food and amenities by an on-line travel information service, are to be believed.

 

Roomy loos

According to their research what most of the 2,300 respondents placed at the top of their “wish list” were clean and roomy loos. How I agree. I’m fed up with standing in an aircraft toilet with my head almost down the pan as I’m trying to have a wee. In fact my six foot two frame has to be folded the minute I get through the door. Now those of you who understand the mechanics of the male method of urination will know that that has to be a design fault. Add to that toilet seats that will not stay up, wash basins with taps that splash everywhere and you’re in for an embarrassing return up the aircraft aisle back to your seat once you have attempted the airline equivalent of Alton Towers Log Flume. One can almost see people averting their gaze, trying to avoid your splashed front and crotch. Yes that would certainly be at the top of my wish list – clean and roomy loos. Count me in on that.

 

Extra legroom

Next, with 27%, were pristine pillows and blankets. Now I have to admit that I’m fairly suspicious of any passenger asking for pillows and blankets on the short hop between Palma and Gatwick. And thoughts of the mile high club come immediately to mind. Moving on quickly, the most valued freebie in the survey was bottled water, closely followed by fruit and nuts, though the idea that travellers are an increasingly healthy lot was undermined by the presence of wine and fizzy drinks a couple of places down the list.  When it came to items that luxury flyers might be prepared to pay extra for, over 50 per cent of people wanted bigger seats and more legroom. Oh yes please! It wasn’t until I was given a front seat on bmibaby a few months ago, that I realised that even in our proletariat state (which incidentally I support fully, even if only in theory) not all of us travellers are equal - even on a budget flight. The extra legroom in “row two” made for a very pleasant flight indeed. It was, in its own way, the only time in my life that I’ve been upgraded and that was because the attendant recognised me as the priest who’d done a friend’s funeral and it was her way of saying thank you to me.

 

On demand movies

The extra legroom I can fully understand. Equally optimistic were the votes for a bed – followed by gourmet cuisine, massages and top-notch coffee. All the things in short that you are virtually guaranteed not to find on any flights out of Majorca unless you are prepared to pay a King’s ransom. Entertainment requirements were more predictable. Most people wanted a video screen at every seat, followed by on demand movies and internet access. One or two over ambitious requirements aside, the survey suggests that fliers’ in-flight needs and desires are hardly in the realms of fantasy. As the survey suggests, airlines should forget about the latest fads such as pre-bookable seats and glossy airline magazines and get back to the basics like reasonably sized, clean lavatories and comfortable seating. To which there is little to add except, and so say all of us.

 

Drinking and gambling

Of course added to all of this is the inveterate drinking and gambling which takes place the minute we have lift-off. On a very early morning flight the other week, having been back to a wedding on the Saturday, I began to wonder if I was heading for Las Vegas rather than Palma. No sooner had the aircraft wheels left the tarmac than my unknown flight companions in the next seat had two whiskies apiece and that was at ten past seven in the morning. Loving my gin and tonic as I do, even I would have to wait until a little later in the day. But there again I was going back to work and they were going on holiday, not having been back to Majorca since their first visit thirty years ago. The trip was to celebrate their wedding anniversary and a present to themselves so perhaps it should have been Cava rather than whisky. They were obviously feeling lucky because when we got to the gambling bit and the stewardesses were moving provocatively from seat to seat with a fanned selection of scratch cards the couple next to me just couldn’t go wrong. It was one winner after another and even I was tempted to put my hand in my pocket and have a go. Yet for me the biggest gamble of the day was whether my flight would get back in time for a wedding I was due to officiate at. It did and I was.  Thanks Easyjet.

Though the biggest surprise of the week was last Monday’s offer on the Monarch website.  Passengers could travel on their morning flight from Manchester to Palma on the 30^th or 31^st March for just 1p….yup 1p! It wasn’t a “come on” price and it included all taxes and other extras apart from a credit card charge. Later in the week I had appointments with two wedding couples all of whom had travelled on those flights but I was too much of a gentleman to tell them.

 

Celebrating Easter

I certainly paid far more for my flight this last Sunday. It was Easter Sunday so it was quite understandable and I was only too glad to flop into a seat on the 22.55 late evening flight from Palma to Liverpool after a long day. Two services in the morning in Palma with nearly 200 people present, a wedding in Puerto Andratx in the afternoon, then a haul over to the other side of the island to Cala d’Or for another evening Easter service and a baptism. An hour’s drive back in the car to find my wife waiting on the doorstep with our bags packed for the mad rush to the airport…..and once again we made it. See what I mean about jumping on planes in the way that we used to jump on buses.

 

 

Father Robert Ellis is the Anglican Chaplain of Majorca

St Philip and St James Church

Nunez de Balboa, 6

Son Armadans

Palma

 

Tel: 971 737279

e-mail: anglicanpalma@gmail.com

www.anglican-mallorca.org