30th July 2010

A Chaplain’s Diary

 

It occurs to me…

 

Frightening the horses

 

The Pope’s visit to the UK this autumn certainly seems to be frightening the horses and it’s not from the usual small band of fundamentalist protestants who usually try to kick up a fuss with such welcoming slogans as “Go home whore of Babylon” and other such Christian greetings. This time it’s a group of Roman Catholic women who are campaigning for female priests. Advertisements calling for the ordination of women priests in the Roman Catholic Church are to be displayed on the side of London buses during the Pope’s visit to Britain. The posters, which will appear on buses throughout September, have been paid for by a group called Catholic Women’s Ordination. The adverts will carry the slogan “Pope Benedict Ordain Women Now”. The Pope, who is to arrive on September 16^th, will spend two days in the capital but I doubt very much whether he will be using the bus very much. A spokesperson for the group said: “We don’t want to be disruptive. We would just love to have five minutes to talk to the Pope.” I bet they would and I suspect it wouldn’t be to talk about his favourite Italian trattoria!

 

“Make the Pope pay”

But that’s not all. The National Secular Society say more than 28,000 names have now been added to its petition “Make the Pope pay” calling on the UK government to request that the Catholic Church foot the estimated £20 million bill for the 4-day visit. The petition reads: "We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to ask the Catholic Church to pay for the proposed visit of the Pope to the UK and relieve the taxpayer of the estimated £20 million cost. We accept the right of the Pope to visit his followers in Britain, but public money would be better spent on hard-pressed schools, hospitals and social services which are facing cuts."

It’s a good try but the petition is not likely to be successful for a number of reasons. First, this visit by the Pope, the first since 1982, has been given the status of a State Visit, since the Pope is also a head of state. The National Secular Society petition is not suggesting that the costs of all future state visits should be met by the visiting state; it's campaign is limited to this particular visit. Even if the NSS petition extended to all state visits, it is extremely unlikely that any government could agree to it: asking a guest to pay for the pleasure of visiting would be considered a diplomatic slight. Though I have to admit that as someone who has had visitors constantly for the last 5 weeks, with yet more to come today, it has to have some merit .

 

 

 

Sandwiches and a clean cassock

 

Even Peter Tatchell, that great defender of gay rights, is jumping on the band wagon with yet another petition “Protest the Pope Petition” and there are even others who are intending to try and have the Pope arrested for the breach of human rights….now that would take some doing…you can just imagine the Queen and David Cameron nipping into HMP Pentonville with some sandwiches and a clean cassock to see him through until he got out on bail.

It all makes the Church of England’s push for female bishops seem very tame indeed. I suspect with us it’s just a matter of time before the inevitable happens and we shall certainly be the better for it.

 

The latest dog collar blouses

 

Like all professions I regularly get trade catalogues through the post.  Mine are full of handsome young men dressed up as clergy, modelling the latest line in vestments or cassocks. You can tell they’re models because some of them have moustaches and Church Canon Law does not allow a priest to have a moustache – a full beard yes, a moustache no.  There you didn’t know that did you? Increasingly the clergy models are women sporting the latest dog collar blouses for the “fuller figure” but instead of black or grey they are in nice feminine blues and pinks – how things change. My first Rector would turn in his grave if he knew.  We had to work very hard on him to allow girl servers but women priests were anathema to him.  The glossy catalogues are from old family firms such as Wippells and Vanheems, whose shops are hidden discreetly away in the back streets of Westminster. As you plough through the pages of their catalogues, past the pews for sale, the portable altars, the candles and highly reduced gold chalices, smokeless charcoal and incense you come to the section for women priests. And I have to admit that most of them are very attractive indeed and I certainly would not mind meeting some of them down a dark church aisle at midnight.  

 

Lost in her ample bosom

 

That reminds me…….I’m going to have to watch what I say in future.  For two years our lapel microphone at church has not worked properly, and I’ve had to make do with a static mike on a stand.  It means I cannot move around and I am tied to one spot. Although our church is not particularly big, it’s a real plus not having to shout or throw your voice. Shouting loudly totally distorts what you’re trying to say and I suspect it is one of the root causes of the parsonical voice, which has provided so much fodder for stand up comedians.  At college we were given speech training by a very formidable woman with a huge bust.  After a few pathetic attempts at public speaking, which we usually failed, she would grab us round the chest with her arms so that any attempt at breathing was lost in her ample bosom. She would then urge us in a loud, raucous, upper-class voice to “project dear”,  “project from here dear” - as she squeezed us ever harder until our faces went blue.  Ah! they don’t do clergy training like that these days!

 

A daily occurrence

 

A big thank you this week to the person who is allowing their dog to foul not only my driveway but also the church patio as well. It happens every day without fail even though we are being careful to keep the church gate closed. In fact the area around our palm tree positively smells. Not only do I hate it but also it’s not fair on the dozens of children who play on the church patio whilst waiting to go to Centre Stage. The odd accident I don’t mind but this is now becoming a daily occurrence and I’m afraid I shall “lose it” when I discover just who it is and why their dog is being potty trained to use church premises. Poopa scoopers are obviously anathema to the person concerned. It’s over four years ago since I last had a moan in the columns of these pages about irresponsible dog owners and their wicked ways. Actually, not that it’s anything to do with my public moaning, but you do now increasingly see owners with a pooch on a lead in one hand and a plastic bag at the ready in the other (let the reader understand!) For those lovely people we have to be very grateful because they know how it should be done.

 

Strangers in my life

 

Like the anonymous dog owner, it’s surprising how strangers can come into your life, give you a belt in the ribs, disappear and leave you spitting blood. There was a whole crowd of them again this morning when I opened up the computer. Never mind that I have never encouraged their advances, they still have secrets they’re anxious to share. Communication appears from them every day in the in-box of my computer’s e-mail bearing breathless invitations, all of which promise to make my life better and bigger (mainly bigger actually). They want to help me increase every aspect of my existence – the size of my bank account, the girth of my manhood, even – which leads me to suspect that despite the familiarity with which they use my first name they don’t really know me all that well – the cup size of my breasts!

 

That’s enough thank you! I don’t think we need to go into any more detail! Ed

 

Fr Robert Ellis is the Chaplain of Majorca

St Philip and St James Church

Nunez de Balboa 6

Son Armadans

Palma 07014

E mail:anglicanpalma@gmail.com

www.anglican-mallorca.org